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Wednesday, 04 November 2009

Best Friend

What best friend?
Ouch..

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Take my hand, I'll take the lead-

School is RIPPING ME APART into little itty bitty pieces. WOW, boy am I DYING. Haha. Oh well, I'm listening to Can I Have This Dance from HSM3 and it's really putting the atmosphere of this entry to a happy place :) Haha. Alright, so as the quarter one wraps up, the work is pilin' up but I'm happy to say, IT'S ALMOST OVER *whew. My grades turned out TERRIBLE. Ha.. omg. I have terrible grades and I'd rather not publicize them... Haha. Hummm... Yeah so now that the quarter is finally FINISHED, (almost)- my mood is going to drastically change into a more benevolent tone haha. School has been stressing the frik out of me and my sanity. Sigh, well I know that it's over soon, just a bit more. I've been skipping school to make ends meet, and in the midst of that, I'm missing other work that I need to be catching up on. Oy.. I wonder if I'll ever be caught up... Sigh. Haha. But ANYWHO, I'm SO siked for this quarter WRAPPING UP. This dang ap religions project will be OUT OF THE WAY, and I'll attend school normally and have a life/sleep again! :D Thank Goddddd. <-- but seriously though, I thank Him that he's even letting me live through all this. Hah.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Change II.

Lately, all I've ever gotten from people is that I've "changed" or "been different"... Cool. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I've had an epiphany a few days ago, that the very people I despise so much for being so selfish, I have always been a part of... I hated the people who were so soley inclined with their ownselves that all they cared about or talked about was themselves- I am without a doubt one of those people and I almost hate myself for it. Haha.. What is wrong with me? I've totally been a different person since the summer- I've changed into something I was dreadfully hoping I never was going to turn into, yet that image of what I am now, still stands very vague and ambiguous... I know I have a problem, but what have I become to be such a problem? I have such a crooked and skewed view of everyone and anyone around me to the point I automatically put up defensive walls of analyzation and suspicion. Friendship is such a questioning matter with a lot of people for me right now- what are friends? I don't know. As I ramble about such trivial things in my life, I succeed to make my point on being selfish... I yearn the heart to be selfless. Nothing would give me greater joy than to be a selfless person, or more, a selfless person who loved. Pointing fingers regardless of cleanliness or dirt would no longer be a part of my life, I'd hope. These disconsolate thoughts never seem to find an end. My lonliness lately has been at it's climax and it is truly ripping me apart... Where do I go from here? Why do I find it so difficult to go to God? I can't seem to confide in anyone securely enough to think they even care or really relate... I've learned to trust no one but family because just when you bend over backwards to stretch your arms out to people you care about, there's never reciprocation, or even acknowledgment. These meloncholy thoughts are a bit harsh, eh? Haha. Yeah............
I've changed.

Monday, 05 October 2009

Wishy Washy

As things here become more stable, things out there for me are starting to wobble. I'm beginning to like the fact that things around me right now are pretty stationary and I'm finally starting to enjoy my time with where I am to an extent. But as things here solidify, my dreams are starting to become blurry... I guess what I'm saying is, I don't really know what I want to be anymore.. I mean of course I have that same passion for music as I ever did, it's just a bit hidden right now- ugh.. My dreams and hopes of what I wanted to be so badly in the past were so strong and that passion I had within me was irrevocable... DANG. What happened?! It really sucks to think about because I wanted to get away from here as far as possible to do what I love doing but it has all become dull now- that burning passion is still there I suppose, but just VERY hidden... I need something to boost that fire within me again- I thought braces would do that, but no. Hahaha...

Dang..

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Optimism

So I know all my past entries have been really depressing so I suppose I'll switch it up even though that's not exactly how I feel right now. Regardless, I'm hoping for big and bright things for the future. With my braces coming off tomorrow, I'm excited as can be! I can finally enroll in my JRP classes again and starting auditioning! The bad thing is, I've forgotten all my monologues so I definitely need to work on memorizing them again... Even though I have no clue how I'm going to find time due to all my work I need to do; but that's for another xanga entry... But anywho, I'm really excited/scared to go back into all that jazz. Auditioning is going to be scary but fun at the same time! I also need to write a lot more music... A few songs won't cut it anymore- but I'm on it! I just hope that this year becomes more successful and eventful than the last... I truly do wonder what God has in store for me even though like I'm the worst person in the world... But like I said, this is an entry of optimism; but always skews to pesimism... Cool... I need to start lifting my head up to look at the stars so hopefully that's what I'm going to start doing- HOPEFULLY. Along with that, getting back to my main man way more- God. He's been with me, but he hasn't really been with me. Lets fix that...